my depressive state

footnotes to start us off

There are some days where I am fine, and there are others where I cant get out of bed well only in the metaphorical sense. It seems as if the deeper my mind sinks the more Intrusive my thoughts get. Are the two mutually exclusive? well from experience they are not and really the only basis I have to rely on is my own life. I would like to claim bi-polar, but i don’t know every therapist I’ve been too i wasn’t able to fully open up. That is no reflection on them however, its more so to do with me. Since to fully commit to one of them I would have to have assurance that everything I say is and will stay CONFIDENTIAL, but nope they could care less.

I don’t really know how to describe the way I feel but if I could put it in words. It’s not going to be as simple as depression so I’m just gonna lay out how I feel and my actions instead of making a self diagnosis. none of what I say is going to be in any order, its more going to be whatever I remember first and if you think I’m lying well that’s up to you and honestly this is my diary before it is a blog. to start from my first remembrance of sadness I will have to describe some of the shit I went through as a child. although I wish I could go into detail I’m not going to because it pains me to say but most of it is clouded.

memories of a little boy.

The first real memory (I believe I was around 3) I have as a child was me waking up late at night wanting pancakes, not the homemade ones but the cheap small ones you used to be able to microwave. I remember my mother being up which was to be expected seeing as she was 29 or something; anyways she made me the pancakes and then she made me go back to my room, after which she locked my door from the outside. There are only 5 memories I have from this time and I don’t even know if they are accurate, since well memories tend to change over time.

The second I have from this is me going down to my moms room not knowing she had someone over, they were both laying on her bed and when I went in there she got mad and hit me with a belt, I’m not saying this is entirely accurate but its a memory that’s stuck with me for as long as I can remember but I hope its fabricated. Although everytime I look back on it, I’m filled with a deep melancholiac sadness.

The third memory I have is of me going to taco bell a couple blocks from my old house on rainier, I wasn’t with my mom at the time since she has pawned me off with her friend whos name I cant remember, all I remember is he had a big truck and a longish red beard. I don’t recall a bad time with him but its really blurry I just know we got taco bell which is cool I guess.

The fourth memory is not a fond one in my mind even though it doesn’t bring me any emotion, it still had an impact, I think its the reason I love animals so much. I had a dog named Luna when I was living with my mom. She was a Chihuahua who loved to bark as with most Chihuahua’s I only remember us giving her a bath in my bathtub which is when we found out she has worms. Of course I didn’t know what worms were at the time so it didn’t really bother me, I was more just grossed out and scared (I fucking hate bugs.)

Fast forwarding a little bit me and my mother are in the car going to meet some people who were supposedly taking Luna from us. You know at the time I had no idea what was going on. in my mind I’m in my mom’s car with my dog. The next thing I know she takes the dog and gives it to some strange people (a man and a woman if I recall correctly.) they both looked a bit like white trash which Is funny coming from me since I am the epitome of white trash. My mom being a heroin addict and my dad not having any drug of choice not to mention he was a sex fiend who abandoned me, deciding whoring was a better alternative.

The last and final moment I had living at that house on rainier avenue was a sad but good conclusion I guess. I remember going to meet my grandparents during a snowstorm, because the meth head who was watching me, well wanted to do more meth without kids around(i don’t know that.) anyways she told my mother who was on the other side of town and had no way to pick us up since her car broke down that she was going to tell my grandmother to pick us up. Now I know the facts of this story, dezzy who was supposed to watch us for the weekend, us being me and my big sister Maddy, had been stuck with for about a week. Not that this is my mothers fault it was 2011 and we were facing the biggest snowstorm Seattle had in the last 40 some odd years. There was no way she could pick us up, dezzy knew this but since dezzy was a meth head and a prostitute who had sex with customers Infront of me and my sisters in her trap house she did not care. Calling my grandparents up saying that my mother was using heroin and had been gone for weeks with no expectation of coming back, my grandparents decided they were going to come get us. I don’t blame them, if I knew my grandkids were in danger (whether it true or not) i wouldn’t hesitate to get them, even in a snow storm. Arranging a place to meet up in this hell of a snowstorm dezzi set out In her shitty toyota or whatever the fuck it was, it looked like one of those starter cars for people just learning how to drive. anyway all I remember is that as we were driving, we made it a few blocks before she swerved and hit a light post. now that we were stuck in the car in an accident we had no choice but to wait for my grandparents to show. This is monumental In my life as this is when everything changed, this is the day that marked the beginning of my new life, this is the day where i was no longer clayton theodore yow, I was instead clayton theodore Chapman. I’m glad after all these years this memory is still intact, as It gives me a sense of ending and rebirth.

more footnotes

For reference, now I don’t remember this but apparently my mother had left me and my older sister with her friend dezzy, who coincedently had a daughter that was also my sister (I told you my dad was a whore.) now there are A LOT of sides to this story, primarily my grandparents, my sisters, my mothers, my “step-dad,” Dezzy’s, and my aunt(on my moms side.) I don’t want to delve into each and every deceitful story these twisted ass people play in their minds. Instead I’ll give you my interpretation of the events, to do this I will have to start with the relationship between my mother, my aunt, and my grandparents.

seperate from the last paragraph I found it strange for with all my memories I have no recollection of my sisters.

Rivaling that of Cain and Abel

The heading for this section should tell you exactly what kind of relationship these people have, as it was before my time I’m only going off what I’ve been told by a multitude of people. after cross examining each persons story I’ve come to a general concensus on the matter.

To start we need to go back to when my grandmother had her first child. She was 17 and got pregnant through a foolish decision. since her parents were both highly conservative prespatarians, they scorned her. telling her she either married the man or left the family for good. My grandmother values family above all else so there was only one option. She got married to him at 17, being forced to drop out of High school and raise her kid with this man. His name is Robert Pervelski, I know what you may be thinking how could I tell strangers this man’s identity? Well it’s because this man is evil, by all meanings of the word. My grandmother’s first born child is my aunt, we’ll call her sue. Now I could not tell you all of the events that went down with these people but I can tell you what I know; whether it be true or not is another story altogether.

Robert’s family has a history with schizophrenia whether or not he had it is up for debate but my grandmother claims he does. Not only that but my grandmother has a history with bi-polar disorder, along with histrionic personality disorder. this is only important later on when I get into my life again, anyways not long after that she became pregnant with my mother, their second and last kid together. I don’t know exactly how he treated my grandmother but I know he, molested my aunt when she was only 5 years old (this was after my grandma left him.)

I wouldn’t like to bring that up but it played an important role in shaping missy, i assume its part of the reason she lashed out in her teenage years. but who am i to say? not only did this effect missy it effected my grandma and my mother as well. With the trial lasting 2 years to no avail, she sunk into depression, it was only after she met my grandfather (who has been the best father i could ask for,) that she picked herself up. my mother and aunt are 2 years apart with my mom being the younger of the two. She was raised by my grandparents with the absence of her father (or what I assume was.) when Missy was twelve she ran away I’d assume due to the abuse my grandmother put her through (notice the mention of histrionic personality disorder earlier.)

After three weeks of not hearing news of her they were starting to lose hope, but then she came home. Even worse off, she broke into cars, did drugs, slept(not in the intimate sense) with crack-addled junkies. At this point my grandmother didn’t know what to do, as she could see the influence this had on my mother. not to mention my grandfather’s kid had also been kicked out not long before that.

They decided to send her to a reform school where they were allowed to instill capital punishment. she was sent there for 3 years but not a year after she was sent so was my mother, and I don’t think sending an 11 year old girl to a school for reforming kids (more like a slave yard then what I’ve explained) is a good idea. especially when she’s young and impressionable, the trauma and fear that the kids at mountain park was so bad that there’s not only a documentory on it but a book and a podcast. this should fit it into perspective, anyways my mom was let go from there a year later. at this point she had already been scarred and my grandparents could never fix the relationship they once had.

fast forwarding to when my mother runs away, we see my mother getting in an argument with my grandma and my grandma gets so heated she pushes her down a flight of stairs. It was at this moment my mother knew she couldn’t stay here. she got up and ran out the door not knowing where she was gonna go, until she thought about her brother that she had lost contact with 4 years prior.

this is the part of the story where things shift to a darker period, my mother never went back. she stayed with her brother for years, meeting strange people all over. this didn’t help her however as she was introduced to a life of crime, and started getting into heroin with influence from not just her sister but her brother as well as the “friends” she made along the way. now I don’t know all the details of how she met my father but they met in a trap house where they were you know doing drugs and other such. they started being friends with benefits which doesn’t matter because this wasn’t when I was conceived.

she met my step-dad around this time but he would go to prison for breaking into a cop car and then selling the gun, but what put the icing on the cake was him telling the police he dumped it in lake washington. he went to prison before my older sister was born (Maddy.) whom we all thought was his daughter. anyways none of that matters, this story Is about my mother and her sister. bare in mind when my mom was a junkie her sister was a prostitute. fast forward to when my mom and dad have me this was a fun time since my mom recalled it as him raping her. they met years later at a bar when she had become sober (for my sister.) she blacked out and woke up with her pants off in his apartment.

a few months go by and she finds out shes pregnant with me, she tells my dad and he flips out telling her to abort me. I’m not going to pretend that my mom is innocent, while she was pregnant with me she started using again, I believe it was rather self-destructive. having been using I turned out deformed with my right ear having microsia and who knows? I might have other defects too. anyways throughout the years my mother and missy’s relationship had been strenuous to say the least with missy joining a gang and having someone killed in her apartment due to a rival gang fight, they had a falling out. Also my grandparents took her kid from her because well shes not a good parent even now.

my mom used missy’s identity when commiting fraud and this resulted in missy being locked up for awhile. anyways fuck all that because after this missy decided to it would a good idea to call the police on my mom, not for fraud but for domestic abuse. She got help in lock up for the weekend. When she got out she came to get me and my sister from my grandma who refused to give us back claiming she was protecting us. and then when she got home she found everything in her house was gone, not just was it gone but missy had taken everything and held a garage sale at her house. my mom saw the garage sale and as soon as missy saw her she ran inside her house, called the police and said my mom was on drugs acting like a lunatic(she was not.) since she had priors they didn’t even think to drug test her they just locked her up for another two weeks. Might I add my grandparents called CPS on us and thought it would be a good idea to put us into the courts hands. where my step-dad who was still in prison and only had 3 years on his sentence decided to file for adoption using his mother as his advocate. when my mom got out of jail she filed to get us and they said no, not only that but my grandparents testified against her saying she was an unfit mother. This set her off the edge, having no hope of getting her kids back she started using again, and went on a week-long bender. This “bender” ended with her going to prison for 6 years which concludes the part of the “sibling rivalry”

CPS

the time I spent in cps I dont really remember, actually I hardly remember anything from this time apart from loving my step-dad. Anyways while CPS was deciding whether to let me and my sister stay with my grandparents or with my step-dad we stayed well with my grandparents. We were forced to go the the prison every weekend for visits, I loved this seeing as I didn’t have a father figure in my life until him. All my memories with him were fond until he met his now deceased girlfriend.

I remember he taught me how to fish on one of the visitation days, I remember he taught me how to make popcorn, and skate, and to not be scared of things. all the typical father things even though he knew I wasn’t his he treated me like i was. But all good things must come to an end, the courts ruled in my grandparents favor and decided to let them take us. which I didn’t mind as long as I got to keep seeing my dad, but the visits became less and less with me now going to a daycare.

This daycare is hard for me to look back on now, because at the time I hadn’t the slightest clue of what this woman was doing. so I had potty training issues when I was young due to trauma, i didn’t stop wetting the bed till I was 8 or 9. I wore pullups which is only relavent because my daycare lady brought me into her bathroom wiht her and started touching me down there inapproriatly and when i told my grandparents she said that she was trying to teach me “how to aim” like what the fuck does that mean. Anyways that continued for awhile until i was to old to go to that daycare anymore.

anyhow now that I’m 7 years old, my step-dad is out of prison, has been going to NA meetings, and decided to divorce my mother which I didn’t really care because she wasn’t in my life anymore. my bio father did try to come back in to my life which was a little weird because he had dessy’s daughter with him then. okay okay none of that matters yet im getting sidetracked, my step-dad now sober and out of prison took a DNA test with my sister while I waited outside. The results came back negative which devastated him, but he didn’t give up on us. instead he tried to become a tattoo artist and enlisted at salvation army.

i think that’s when things went bad because as i recall his buddy who lived there was using. anyways he started using and we stopped talking blah blah. fast forward a year and a half and he’s back in my life except he’s with his previously mentioned girlfriend who was great. her name was Nancy, I really loved her as sort of a second mother since mine seemed to have abandoned me. she had a daughter too her name was Jackie, this is also where I met my dog jack whom I love very much. without going over all the boring details since I want to wrap this Segway up lets get to the end of this sweet story, Nancy who I previously mentioned was deceased died of a drug overdose. as I’m typing this tears are coming into my eyes, its kind of funny actually, I finally thought things were turning around and then bam back to square one. my dad never spoke to us again, this was the moment I knew my childhood was over.

mama’s home

its 2019 and my mom had just gotten out of prison, or so I thought. she came to my grandparents bearing presents, thinking we would forget what had happened, or that we even knew the real story. for we had been fed stories by everyone else bad mouthing my mother to the point I didn’t know what was true. One of her many gifts was my baby brother, she was pregnant and had a new husband jesse james. He was worse then the first guy, he knew how to act while on drugs, he could make it seem like he was completely sober. anyways it’s Christmas im in 5th grade and my mom gives us a kitten. oh yeah and Jesse James decides to get locked up where he would spend the next 3 years. what for? oh broke probation by selling fire arms.

Jesse was the bread winner for my mom, he paid the bills while she rested since she was pregnant. but since he was in prison now she couldn’t afford to live on her own. so she moved in with us, taking over my room while I slept on the couch. it was around this time I also started to question my gender and sexuality, I wanted to be a girl, I wanted to be beautiful, and be loved. I also didn’t care for boys or girls anyone was fine really. oh yeah when my mom began to stay with us I got closer and closer with her to the point I felt I had my mom back, unlike my sister who had developed a hatred towards her(they’re relationship now is better but not by much.)

My mom would give birth to my little brother Jesse on July 2nd 2020, it was probably the best day of my life. I was surrounded by people I love, and I was a big brother!! anyways this is not relevant until later when my mom moved out. but before she did I thought she was going to die, in 2021. she had gotten a hernia and her health was in rapid decline, this feeling of dread in my heart stayed persistent for a long time and it still does.

back to me

I met a girl in 7th grade who brought me out of this sadness, but the ways she did it were not too kind, she introduced me to alcohol and other substances. I mean she didn’t “introduce me” I had already been experimenting with drugs for awhile now, probably since 2018. I had tried all sorts of substances, the first of which being oxy that I stole from my grandmas medicine cabinet, then weed, and then everything else followed.

One significant part of this is how guilty it made me feel, I was ruining my life just as those before me did. The worst part is i ruined a woman’s life, i was working for this old lady who had her pills out and i would steal them which caused her to have seizures. but i didn’t care as long as i felt numb at the end of the day. because well my home life wasn’t exactly the best. yes I haven’t laid it all out on the table or really expressed my feelings within this yet but whatever. back to the girl from 7th grade, well she was much different from me she was outspoken and loud.

bringing the best out of me even if that happened to be with drugs. I kind of started becoming a slut and I was trans now with the name lillith. anyways fast forward I started acting manic and was made to go on anti depressents which never really helped me. I was cutting